I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
