Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
