i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize