what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
