Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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