Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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