They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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