For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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