omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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