The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
