Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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