He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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