it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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