I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
