We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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