The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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