I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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