I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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