dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I AM VODKA MAN
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
