Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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