so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
