I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Houston, we have a squirter
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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