Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
