I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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