he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
