I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
