my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
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