Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
