my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
