I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
