I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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