I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
BRING THE BAGELS
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
