Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
