you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
