so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You've changed since you got that strap on
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
