Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
