I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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