I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
