I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
