i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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