Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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