i think my tv is drunk
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You pole danced in your parka.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
