I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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