My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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