I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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