Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
