Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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