I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
