I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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