It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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