Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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