Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
